“Cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin. Bathe them in the crimson of -“

What’s making me happy lately? I should probably tell you then:

Horror is my go-to genre of film whether I’m drunk, dumb, or pretty sure that I’m smart as shit because of all the bad decisions I’ve made in life. So, when Joss Whedon co-writes a horror movie that’s been shelved for 3 years (yeah, this gem was filmed and stuffed into a can back in 2009) and I hear it’s not gonna make it to the current residence I’m residing in… I get a little concerned. Not the kinda “concerned” where you’re worried whether your friend has the cash to front you for the shitload of McDonald’s that you hope is in your (inebriated) future, but the sorta “concerned” where you’ll bash/gut/extinguish anything with a heartbeat to appease whatever make believe god that helps you sleep easier at night. Mine has 2 horns and big ol’ titties; what does yours look like? Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked. The Cabin In The Woods (this’ll be the first time I don’t supply a trailer for a movie  because – if you intend to watch it – you’re better off knowing nothing about it) is the best thing to spawn outta the horror genre in a few years. My memory tells me that Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon was the last horror flick to surprise me, make me think, laugh, cringe, and immediately wanna watch it again/share it with everyone I know. What makes horror so accessible is the fact that you can create a piece of art which invokes one of the purest and strongest emotions: fear. That being said, this genre can spew out a billion titles on pennies, so of course there’s gonna be multimillion pieces of shit. In the swill of crap many hopeful exceptions crawl onto land and clean themselves off in the fresh dew of some exceptionally green grass. From there the genre evolves, interbreeds with comedy (Return of the Living Dead), war (Below), and/or sci-fi (Event Horison) leaving us popcorn-poppers and cinephiles in awe. So yeah, The Cabin In The Woods is the latest titles to do that very thing and set the bar just that much higher in the most versatile genre in film.

“First time director” is a very foreboding phrase; lot of baggage can be lugged around when you hear that uttered. Everyone has to start somewhere, because then you learn from mistakes and (hopefully) become skilled in something you’re passionate about. Just like Drew Goddard – who knocked it right-the-fuck outta the park with The Cabin In The Woods – Sean Byrne did the same with The Loved Ones. I’m not well versed with Australian horror or even what I hear is their insanely awesome niche in genre film, but if this flick is a sign of what they got coming our way… we’re in for a treat. Written/directed by Byrne, The Loved Ones is a high school sex romp fist-banging the torture scenario with a pink sex toy covered in glitter and broken glass. Robin McLeavy owns this piece with her portrayal of “Princess” Lola, the sociopath who just wants to find her Prince Charming and thinks she may be in luck with self-harming pretty boy Brent (Xavier Samuels). After turning Lola down as her date for the dance, Brent is forcefully invited by her Daddy (the other show-stopper, John Brumpton) to the private little dance they’re hosting at their home. This is one of those movies that makes you wanna take a bath when it’s finished. It has that dirt and grime which gets under your fingernails and it takes days to scrap it out. All the ugliness is wrapped in such bright and colorful lighting/camerawork though that your eyes are just drawn to the screen. Reminds of the sleazefest Street Trash  or more recently Hobo With A Shotgun; films that abuse the color contrast so well on your TV it feels like you’re watching the most depraved marathon of Saturday morning cartoons. Since moving to Australia I’ve purchased little to nothing for myself besides boxed wine (“goon” to the uneducated) and a sleeping bag that only goes up to my tits. I snagged The Loved Ones for $4.95 at a Blockbuster and it’s easily the best purchase I’ve made since showing up here.

Before I close this out, I’m gonna jump from movies to music, because I saw Terror the other night for the first time. Terror is a band I’d written off for years. A lot of it had to do with shitty connotations they had with the hardcore crew FSU (Friends Stand United), which is a WHOLE ‘nother story. Other than that, I was just never really into them. Given, they’re still not my bread and butter when it comes to hardcore, but they definitely reminded me why I’m so damn lucky to be a part of a music scene that gives so much back. I don’t expect people to understand why this music is so dear to me, because it really is a bunch of angry white kids acting out. Don’t get me wrong, it’s music for everyone, but when you boil it down to the basics, you end up with middle and lower class kids who are looking for an outlet. People get angry and a lot of it has to do with the bubbling bullshit that is the world around us. The other night I was restored with happiness via a band who let everyone know that this music, this stage, and this microphone is for everyone. I’m currently nursing some damaged ribs from that evening, but I’m doing it with a big dumb smile. Also, Brisbane legends/coworkers/friends of mine Against played. It was just one of those nights that goes down in permanent memory.

Sore bones just on lone
Good nights far from home
This is far from lust
Simply life’s trust
Lucky enough to boast
About how we coast
Before we’re dust